I suppose I have always lived with folks telling me "that can't be done!" and my response has always been Edgar Guest's poem "It Couldn't Be Done" and I've gone ahead and tried to do whatever it was anyway. As a result, I have accomplished many of those "couldn't be done" things. Creating a national conversation of getting folks to start talking about the closets folks are hiding secretly in must be accomplished; therefore I am asking for everyone's help to start talking about these closets. They are not healthy to be living in and must be brought to the forefront of thinking if folks are going to be helped out. Living in a lie cannot possibly be a comfort zone! And, when one thinks about the fact that there is a light of support or help awaiting anyone who may decide to come out of their closet, then it becomes stupid to stay in.
To help folks learn about the closets, I have decided to give them names. Take for instance the closet hiding the secret lives lived by homosexuals: I've called this one the "Home Away From Homo Closet". Then there is the "Hot Pants Closet" and the "Prescription Closet" and the "Freaked -Out Parents Closet". Anyway you begin to get the idea. We need to learn about folks in these closets and why they are still there and what it might take to help them come out.
*** EDIT *** 2/4/08
Dr. Ronald Spahr, Prof. & Chair Dept. Finance, Insurance & Real Estate. University of Memphis may not be connected with the Fields of Psychology or Sociology, but he shall help us look at closet life from the standpoint of the Business world, Academia, and being a parent and husband. He has a fertile brain that is pregnant with ideas.
I have also sought Grad Students involved in psychology, sociology & education to become involved; we will begin with Jake Duckett, Wichita State University, who additionally is involved in the Sports world and body-building. I am hoping others who are Grad students in the Fields of Psychology, Sociology and Education will enlist in this army,
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21 comments:
As the creator of the Project, I would like to open the blogs with this comment: you don't have to share what part of you is in the closet. The important thing is to come out and become the real you! Your name is not important, but your thoughts are as they could help others who are in some closet. I think most folks have some closet they feel should be hidden; but if it is harmful to that person, they should honestly consider if it should remain hidden or if there might be a way to come out into the light of truth and find support as a new life-path is being learned.
Also please know that the closets I listed in the web site may only be the tip of the closet iceberg. Do not be afraid to call others to our attention.
Thank you for sharing!
I received this Email from Adriana in Reno, NV
"i strongly agree with what i see as the general message in your project: we all have things that we feel we should "hide" about ourselves. and by hiding ourselves so we keep ourselves from living the lives that we want to live.
i see the "closets" that you name as examples for this, but not as complete list or anything of sort (don't know if that's how you mean it, but it doesn't come out so clearly.) i personally can't identify with any of those. i feel they are more examples, all representing a big monster closet which says "i am not lovable. i'm not ok. i have to be XXXXXX in order to be ok!"
kind of like you're saying here: "The better question might be WHO is really in your closet? Who is the you, the you that you maybe don’t want the rest of the world to really know?" - i really like this part! and it's so important to talk about this!!!
1) sorry, i should have started with this: congratualtions on this great effort!!!!! i think it's great that you care so much and have the initiative and dedication to start something like this. it is very much needed!
2) i loved, loved, loved your choice of artwork and checked out the artist's website and LOVED it, too! great job!!!!"
This contribution is really intended to scratch the surface of the broader discussion, but it has been my observation that we live in a society that has regressively evolved from previous decades of having strong social capital and collectivity into an increasingly individualistic, self-serving, "white-picket-fence" population. By that, I mean that we tend to become more isolated and individualistic and less socially connected. We create the illusion that we live in this perfect environment when in fact we have incredibly distinct issues going on which are worth of being addressed rather than suppressed. I will qualify this observation by stating I believe this is more the case in less dense per capita populations vs. metropolitan areas where people are somewhat forced to "get along", cooperate, remain more tolerant, and work together.
As a consequence to this hypothetical evolution, there seems to be an increasing trend to hide one's faults and to either flaunt or exaggerate one's talents. In some cases, even in high-level corporate positions, we've seen people cheating on or fabricating their resumes just to "get ahead", let alone those who cheat or commit plagiarism in academia just to get to the head of the class. It appears as though "getting ahead" simply for the sake of getting ahead -- as though life is some sort of rat race -- has become a sort of socially conscious goal for many people. As such, we tend to cloak our unique qualities that are perceived as weaknesses, and in doing so, we isolate ourselves from people and social support networks from which we can gain understanding, acceptance, and possible assistance.
I believe the primary source of this evolution is in the marketplace and in calculated advertising. For instance, we're repeatedly told, via cosmetic companies, that pimples are unattractive. Therefore, you need to buy their facial product to make yourself look beautiful. Then you're too fat, so you need to buy this. Then you're too skinny, so you need to buy this. Hence I believe many of our insecurities around which we develop some of our closets come from marketing, which I believe can be overcome by our becoming comfortable in our own skin and by appreciating what we've got instead of getting what we "want".
Margaret Aymer Oget (Atlanta, GA) wrote
at 5:00am
Ace,
I went to your website, and my first thought is that you are DEFINITELY on to something. You social-work training clearly allows you to speak and think more globally about "closets."
1) Given the history of this nation, I don't like the name of the "really black" closet for three reasons:
a) I'd like to get away from using black/dark terms exclusively for bad things...we have to reclaim that vocabulary
b) There is a history of "passing for white" in this country, and some of us who are black will read that closet as the "passing" closet and then be very surprised...
c) It's not descriptive of what is in the closet... Given your focus on blackmail, abuse, and predators, I would call it "the predator or prey closet"
I'd also like to add another closet : "The Biggest Loser closet"--this for anorexics and bulemics (of which I have never been accused...)
You may want to add HIV-infected people who don't seek treatment to the "Closet to Die For"--it's a slow form of suicide.
Lindsey Zimmerman (Rapid City, SD) wrote ...
ace, you are totally correct about the creativity in all of us inspiring passion. this is one of my biggest fears for all people. that they will forget how to be passionate. passionate about the ones they love, about their interest, about the things that are important to them. passion, i believe, is the driving force of humanity and we are going to hit a brick wall socially, collectively and world wide if we dont understand the there is a reason for passion and a reason to persue it. i have found passion for my education, my health, my family and my country. im trying to spread that passion with every opportunity i come across. and the closet light is a perfect example that good and wonderful things that can be achieved with a little gumption.the closet light is an important social tool that can be used to spread the message that none of us is alone. we all have things in us that we are not proud of. we need to open ourselves up to the possibility that we are not the only ones afraid. trust, listen, and yes, depend on others to do the same and we may find that the world can be a better place because of it. by the way ace, your vioce is beautifl to listen to. avanti
Shirlee in TX wrote:
"I am very impressed with the content of the site. I believe it can be helpful to all of us with something in our "closet". I like that it addresses many aspects of what can be in one's closet and will bring a broader meaning to ' coming out of the closet '. We all need an outlet and this can be it."
Well, the NEWS today just brought to light one of the closets: THE HOT PANTS CLOSET ... and Gov. Spitzer no longer has to hide because someone "outed" him. How much better it would have been for him, had he sat down with his wife and told her he was screwing around with a prostitute and needed their love and support to stop this nonsense!! The male of our animal specie never ceases to amaze me! It was amazing to me during my days of labor in the Entertainment Industry just how many "big name" people take advantage of a Madam's list. It was equally as amazing when I labored in the Ministry how many "men of God" do likewise! This is a crazy closet to be in and we NEED to talk about "WHY?".
Very interesting website pointing out that nearly everyone has something they're hiding.
Of course the most destructive secrets, I believe, are those which come about because of the wrong teachings of others. Self hatred due to ones gayness seems the most serious.
There are other great resources dealing with coming out on hrc.org and soulforce.org.
Best wishes,
David
i didn't come out of the gay closet until i was 23, even to myself and regretted all the lost time ...
theoretically it should be easier today -- there are all sorts of role models -- both real and in fiction, the culture at large is much more accepting, etc. ...
but i'm constantly reminded that it's not easy at all ... a few days ago i drove through oxnard, california where a 15-year-old boy recently came out and was subsequently shot in the head by a 14-year-old classmate ...
i'm afraid there will always be homophobia (and racism and sexism) ... but the best way to fight it is to own up to who you are and be open about it ... it not only changes you, but others around you!
bill russell
Check it out!! It looks like the young Mr. Senator Barak Obama helped turn a spotlight on "The Not In Our Hood Closet"!! How wonderful. And, as he stated, we all probably have friends, relatives or loved ones who we know are in this Closet ... and we do need to openly discuss HOW we may be a positive force to combat bigotry and prejudice ... even when it comes from someone we love. I had to take one of my oldest and dearest friends to the Dictionary to learn what the "N" word actually meant; so now, when he uses it, I can ask him if it is a White, Black, Brown, Red or Yellow "N". I have Hispanic loved ones who can't stand others of Hispanic heritage! I have African American friends who can't stand other African Americans! I have White friends who don't want to live next door to a Jew!
We need to talk openly about this and learn where we learned all this bigotry and racial hatred. Does anyone want to admit they feel this way? Probably not, but we need to help them become educated and the beautiful individuals they really are behind that closet door!
This came to me from Facebook:
J.M. is from Houston, TX and now a student at Central Michigan University. He posted this Facebook Note titled "The Chameleon Closet:
So a friend of mine and GSA started a website called The Closet Light. It really made me think for a long time and I wasn't really sure how to post this or even talk about it...
Basically it is saying that no matter who or what we are, we all have our own closets to come out of. I truly believe that through showing, even one piece at a time, that we all have something in common such as our secrets we keep, will show the world that hey! homosexual people aren't as different fro everybody else. But thats just my opinion. I highly suggest that you go to his website because it is really interesting.
http://www.theclosetlight.com/
It kind of reminds me of Post Secrets from the aspect of everybody being connected by the same kinds of situations and secrets in our lives.
I came up with my own closet... Well I didn't come up with it, but I guess I just recently decided to come out of this closet. I call it "the Chameleon Closet."
You see, i moved around a lot as a kid. And I had to pick up and change my life in an instant or I would be forgotten the minute I moved again. That is what I was afraid of growing up. Being forgotten. So I pretended to be someone I am not. And when I moved again, that person changed as well. I just kept changing and changing until one day I didn't even know who I was.
Well after a big fight with a couple of friends earlier this year I realized, "why am I fighting to stay friends with these people if I don't have anything in common with them? Am I that desperate?" And it pretty much threw my entire world into a self check of massive proportions.
So now this chameleon is trying to find his real colors. I really like where I am going and I finally like who I am for once in my life, something I didn't even know was possible.
Since I came out of the "closet closet" several years back, I figured I would do it again, and it feels good... I challenge you to do the same.
And if this website touches you even a little bit, please pass it on...
ACE! I finally got to the blog. I am sorry it took me so long. I love the website! You are on the mark with the closets of life for sure! I will do all I can in Diversity Rules to get the word out for you baby! Rock on! Peace and keep telling folks to get out of those musty closets! Life is WAITING FOR THEM!
Hello Ace,
It is good to see you stand up for a cause in all areas that one can hide within a closet. Society as a whole is good at hiding thier true selves in a closet of darkness.
Thanks for caring Ace.
MASKS OF PAIN
The many masks we wear in our lives
Covers the true identity that lies
Within the soul of the man’s pain.
As we walk the earth searching
The years behind the masks
That the tears of pain
Built in our lives.
So we seek the true
Identity that lies
Behind the years
Of the pain that
Lies behind
The years
Of the
Masks.
Robert E. Placencia
A few years back I astounded myself to hear the words "those dirty Japs" coming out of my own mouth. I didn't think I had any bigotry ideas in my head ... and then, in looking back, I found the root of those words: and I heard in my mind those words again from back in WWII when folks were talking about our enemy, the Japanese. Once I found that root, I was able to do a cleansing.
I'm now finding that many decent people I know are maybe facing a similar thing because of a Black man running for President. They are learning that deep within themselves they have a bigotry that has been asleep and are surprised to learn they won't be voting for him simply because he is a Black person. It is one of those "Not In OUR Hood Closets" that we really need to look into!
Why do I think the "Not In OUR Hood Closet" is one of the most dangerous closets people are hiding in? I think it is because it is so insidious in that it promulgates a hatred ...and hate in any soul eats away at the very essence of humanity in an individual. This is also not something innate; it is something which a person learns through the teaching of ideologies from parents, social groups, and yes, unfortunately, it also emerges through Religious teachers.
Where I now live, it is a basically White neighborhood. But, a Mexican family moved in across the street and when I listen closely, I can hear folks belittling the "wetbacks" and comments like "it's too bad a White family didn't move in!". Yes, I have neighbors in this insidious closet ... because when one asks them about possibly being a bigot, they strongly deny any possibility.
Can we talk?! You damn right we can and we better talk about this! If we don't, it will stay like it has been for decades and centuries. It needs to be brought into the light so hatred might be spotlighted. Darkness cannot exist in light!! A truth!
All of us are complicated webs which must be looked into without fear. As Socrates said: "The UNEXAMINED LIFE is not worth living."
I have thought often of my dear Mother who was born in 1905 and we were taught to love everyone ... yet it came as a surprise to me when the folks and my younger brother and I went on a trip in our 1939 LaSalle to Chicago and we drove quietly along looking at the sights of the "big city". Finally my Mother spoke and said "I feel like we are in another country". What she was referring to was the fact that we were in that part of Chicago where everyone was Black. It was then we learned that Mother had never seen a Black person before and she was in her 40's!! She had only seen photos in magazines. We didn't have any Black folks around in our State of South Dakota.
Now jump ahead a couple decades and my then wife and I are back in Minneapolis with our adopted boys who are Irish/Cherokee/Negro in heritage. And when, I placed little one-year-old Shawn in her arms; she was amazed because she had never touched a Black-skinned person and was amazed to learn his little palms and the bottoms of his feet were white-skinned. Yes, we are complicated and need to examine our lives and learn if we really have a hatred or just a big lack of education and knowledge.
Probably the majority of our closet life knowledge comes from our very own family histories. This one does for me. I had no idea that my own father could not really read ... he was good at keeping it a secret; but I probably should have known because he only had a 4th Grade education. I learned only when I was in my late 20's when I received from him the only letter known to be written by him. He started out with "Der Sun" and it hit me like a thunderbolt that he really didn't know how to either write or read ... as the remainder of the short note proved. He had been in the "I Can't Read Closet" all of his life and probably ashamed so he never told anyone. Maybe Mother knew but she also kept his secret. We should have known too because he would have Mother or myself read things to him when I was a youngster ... and I thought it was because he was helping me to learn how to read aloud. We really do need to talk about this closet so folks might not feel ashamed and learn there is a lot of help waiting for them when they come out!
I am finding it interesting that on THE VIEW they are talking openly about folks who are in the "Not In Our Hood Closet" .... as we are now learning a bit more about this big problem of bigotry and shining a little more light for those in this closet.
Bless your pea-picking hearts, ladies, for creating an open discussion. This is what my little Project is all about!
An old acquaintance of mine, David Mixner, stated in his August 8th posting of his "Live From Turkey Hollow" www.davidmixner.com the following quote which reminded me there are many in this HIV closet who are not telling anyone they are carrying the virus!
"As always, the closet is an unhealthy place. Given the fact that people can go on retro-viral's and not show any signs of HIV/AIDS has enabled a large number of people who have tested positive to be in the closet. Many young people have friends who have HIV/AIDS and have no idea that is the case. As a result, many young people believe it is not an issue that is affecting them or their friends."
In thinking about the fact that the "gay closet" is one of the most talked about ... I've had to ask "Why?" AND, why have gay rights made such progress in the last decades?
This closet is probably talked about a lot because of the Media having hopped on this bandwagon. But as to why gay rights have made such progress ... I could only conclude that BECAUSE so many have exited this closet, it is only natural that the citizenry has come to KNOW personally a gay or lesbian .... and, when folks know a person, it is more difficult for them to vote against someone they know personally. They have had to come to the decision that gays are just plain human beings like themselves, only with a different sexual preference. They may even be a family member or relative ... a co-worker or a member of the same Organization. In the voting booth, they have to ask then if they want to destroy the life of that person they personally know.
One might then also conclude: the more folks exit this closet, the faster will be the arrival of the goal of equal rights.
Well, as you may have noticed, I am not much of a blogger!! However, I was talking with a friend earlier this evening and he mentioned about those folks in "the broom closet" ... I said, what the heck is that?! He said there are folks out there who are witches but are afraid to say this to anyone and they are in "the broom closet".
Oh, I learn something new every day and this just adds another closet to the list of closets folks are hiding in.
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